The Coathangers’ “Scramble”

Our reviewer suggest that this “album would be a great gift for your delusional grandmother.”

Luke Goddard
The Coat Hangers

out of 10

The Coathangers
Unknown, 2009
Suicide Squeeze Records

Okay. Look. I think we’re all in favor of newness. Newness keeps us interested in life! However, when it comes to The Coathangers, newness makes me want to stick my head in a microwave, set it for 30 minutes, press full power, and cook myself to death. Having my head crammed in a microwave would be more enjoyable than listening to this band of untalented, unskilled, thoroughly awful wannabes.

There are signs of talent here—somewhere. In “Toomerhead,” the beginning song starts off interestingly enough, though the guitarist is obviously out of time when she begins. The vibe is cool though. They’ve got a sort of a hippy, 60’s jazz thing going on. Oh wait. Is that really the singer? Please make it stop. Nevermind. Moving along. Wonder what “Arthritis Sux” sounds like. Yes, arthritis sucks, but so does your whiny screaming. Next. Ah. In “Sonic You,” we hear the aforementioned talent. It’s obvious that whoever is singing in this song needs to do all their singing. She’s in key and sounds very pleasant. “Sonic You” is their best song on this album, and if all of their material were up to this level, they might be going somewhere. Even the “Space 1999” sample was a nice addition! Even “Killdozer” would be passable if they were to employ a different singer.

Then there’s the off-time, uninspired drumming. Of note are “Dreamboat,” “Stop, Stomp, Stompin’,” “Bury Me,” and “Cheep Cheap,” where the drummer showcases her complete disdain for rhythm. Speaking of disdain for rhythm, what’s going on in “Gettin’ Mad and Pumpin’ Iron?” Can the keyboardist not hear she’s completely out of step with the drummer? I dig the atonal chorus (there’s that newness again), but girls, none of that matters if you can’t keep time. Take lessons. Do something. This isn’t working.

Bad recording. Bad singing. Bad drumming. Out of time musicians. Bad lyrics. Just bad. Take a pass on The Coathangers. You don’t want to hang this anywhere near you.

The verdict: 3/10: Your album would be a great gift for your delusional grandmother.